My wannabe action plan

Posted September 16, 2011

My wannabe action plan

Each Big Brother series brings a fresh wave of ambitious individuals, all desperate to claim their fifteen minutes of fame.

At first I tried not to watch but in the end I couldn’t resist. And the more I watch, the more I am convinced that I’m every bit as good as them. Which is why I’m now putting together my very own Wannabe Action Plan.

I have already identified my unique selling point. Aside from my natural charisma, which everyone comments on, I also have fabulous hair. It’s very shiny and swishy with just the teeniest hint of grey.

It goes without saying that step one of my action plan is to apply to a reality TV show. But I’m not going to restrict myself to Big Brother. Any reality show will do. The important thing is just to be in one. Obviously my natural charisma and super-shiny hair will give me a head start (ah, ‘head start’ - I almost forgot to mention my razor wit!) on the other contestants. Ideally I’d like the show to be about eccentric relatives because I’d be perfect for that. My nephews and nieces are always saying that I’m “beyond weird”.  They're so funny!!

As the winner of a reality TV show I automatically qualify as a 'celebrity'. Once I've bagged this accolade I can then move on to the next phase of my action plan which is promoting ME as a global brand. For this I take my inspiration from the Beckhams.

So what attributes do I need in order to follow in their footsteps? Good looks - I may need to work on this.  Like Venus de Milo, I’m a little bit flawed. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve still got two arms. It’s just that they come with bingo wings. Sex appeal - to my younger relatives I'm just  an auntie. However, I know I've still got something although I do acknowledge that it would be better to have IT. Expertise - I sing like a cat that’s being flayed but then so did Victoria. It didn’t hold her back from world domination.

And finally: legend. That’s the easiest part of the plan to achieve. All I have to do is hang around until I’m in my dotage. And demonstrate the ability to brush up well for the occasional special appearance. I’m enrolling for a master class from Joan Collins.


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